Out of Line. Out of Character.
Last week, I asked someone a question that I thought was harmless. It was simple and light, but the response I got back was sharp and defensive, almost like I had accused them of something or was disrespectful.
I got quiet. Not because I was hurt, but because something told me their anger couldn't be about me. Instead of matching their energy, I waited. I let some time...hours go by before I brought it back up. I began to explain what I asked and why and how it was in no way to get them upset or worthy of it. I knew that their reaction had very little to do with my question and everything to do with whatever was on their mind that I couldn't see.
Out of line, out of character. You know the feeling. Someone you love, someone you work with, someone who is usually warm and steady, suddenly isn't. Their tone is off. Their patience is gone, and our instinct is to react to the moment in front of us instead of getting curious about what's underneath it.
My husband told me once about his grandmother, how a change in her medication changed her whole demeanor, made her sharper and angrier than anyone who knew her would expect. I think about that conversation often now, because it reminds me that what looks like an attitude is sometimes chemistry, or grief, or exhaustion, or a burden they haven't told a single soul about.
Sometimes people go quiet because they don't want to bring you down while you're celebrating something good. I've done that with my own daughter. Sometimes people snap because they are holding something so heavy that your small question landed on a nerve you couldn't have known was there.
As I was telling this story on the podcast, I immediately envisioned boiling an egg. I explained how we can pour the hot water off, but it's still hot. If you run cold water over it in the pot, it doesn't just cool, it can warp the pot. People are the same way. If we douse someone who's still hot with judgment or distance the second they're out of character, we don't calm them down, we damage the relationship.
So this week, I want you to get curious instead of upset. Ask yourself what might be going on for them instead of what's wrong with them. Give space without disappearing. Let people cool off gradually, with care.
If you want a simple way to practice this kind of curiosity with the people in your life, try Questions and Perspectives today at qandpcards.com. Instantly play for free online just by entering your name and email.
Ask each other one real question. You might be surprised what you learn about what someone's actually carrying.
To listen to the full episode, tune in to the KimUnity Soulutions Podcast on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and YouTube.
Truly,
Kim the SME
